STUCK IN A RUT.....

I’m discontent.  There are a lot of things going on in my head right now, and I’m not doing well at self-soothing or sucking it up.   I’m bothered.  I’m negative.

In 9 days I will be 32 years old.  I hate that.  I feel like my life is kinda wasting away.  I’m coasting by, aimlessly floating in mediocrity.  This life of mine is pretty damn good….better than most I would say…..and yet I’m still dissatisfied.  I thought my life would look sooooooo different at age 32 than it does.   It makes me sad.  I mean, my 20s are GONE….never to return again…..and what the hell did I do with them?  Now I’m quickly approaching the half-way of my 30s and they don’t look all that different than my 20s did….it was just acceptable to have nothing, and be nothing in your 20s.  Not so true for your 30s.

I am frustrated and upset.  I’m mad at some decisions I made, and even though they’re “water under the bridge” so to speak…..  I’m still irritated.  I look at my life and this is what I see….  I’m not married, I’m not a mom, I’m not a homeowner, I’m not debt-free, I’m not anything that matters at my job, I’m certainly not “fast tracking” in my job….. I mean, where am I really excelling?

I looked into buying a home.  In fact, I found one that I REALLY like…..but I didn’t get much support from the people around me when I mentioned it.   They had good points….and offered honest and realistic questions & comments such as “It’s a risk”, and “unless you’re planning to be there 5+ years, it’s hard to not LOSE money”, and “what if you move?” or “What if you get married?”   What if, what if….   Yeah, well, WHAT IF I DON’T??  I’ve been outta school for 8 years now.  Will I still be single, doing this same job, renting the same house, living in this same rut in 8 more years?   Only thing different at that point will be that Shelby will no longer be with me…..  doesn’t that picture sound grand?

Ok, so if I don’t buy a home…..  what can I do to to feel like I’m doing something, or accomplishing something, or getting closer to the life that I hoped for?  (Does that even exist?  Maybe it’s just not “in the cards” for me?)  I’m considering maybe going back to school.  Should I move?  Should I look for a new job?   

I thought about buying a fish or a bunny, but my luck, Shelby will eat the bunny and I’ll have to clean the bloody mess….and what the hell will a fish or bunny do for my discontentedness….other than give me something to be interested in for a little bit.  No thanks.   Seriously, I don’t know what will make me happier.  I just feel so overwhelmingly insignificant lately.  What the hell is my purpose?  Am I just marking time? 

I’m the world’s best at taking Bible Study classes and trying to put myself in good places, and do good things in an effort to make myself better, and more likely to find the life I had hoped for.  I must still be missing something.  I don’t want to wake up in 10 more years and go “I wish I had appreciated my life more…..”  but I honestly don’t know what to do to make the present time more enjoyable.    I’m working on the answer.  I wish there was something to gimme a little encouragement, or a little hope that I AM moving toward my goals and aspirations and that this is not just a ginormous waste of a decade and I’ll wake up at the end wishing I had jumped tracks and done something else.  Don’t even know where to jump if I decided to do so!

Really anxious.  I know God hasn’t forgotten me, but it sure seems all the people around me have managed to obtain a life real similar to what I thought mine would look like at 32.  What am I doing wrong that others seem to have figured out?  I miss the feeling I had when I was younger that something good and exciting was in front of me, and I had reason to be hopeful.   I’m sitting here at almost 32 wrestling with the reality that…..um, maybe not???