STUCK IN A RUT.....

I’m discontent.  There are a lot of things going on in my head right now, and I’m not doing well at self-soothing or sucking it up.   I’m bothered.  I’m negative.

In 9 days I will be 32 years old.  I hate that.  I feel like my life is kinda wasting away.  I’m coasting by, aimlessly floating in mediocrity.  This life of mine is pretty damn good….better than most I would say…..and yet I’m still dissatisfied.  I thought my life would look sooooooo different at age 32 than it does.   It makes me sad.  I mean, my 20s are GONE….never to return again…..and what the hell did I do with them?  Now I’m quickly approaching the half-way of my 30s and they don’t look all that different than my 20s did….it was just acceptable to have nothing, and be nothing in your 20s.  Not so true for your 30s.

I am frustrated and upset.  I’m mad at some decisions I made, and even though they’re “water under the bridge” so to speak…..  I’m still irritated.  I look at my life and this is what I see….  I’m not married, I’m not a mom, I’m not a homeowner, I’m not debt-free, I’m not anything that matters at my job, I’m certainly not “fast tracking” in my job….. I mean, where am I really excelling?

I looked into buying a home.  In fact, I found one that I REALLY like…..but I didn’t get much support from the people around me when I mentioned it.   They had good points….and offered honest and realistic questions & comments such as “It’s a risk”, and “unless you’re planning to be there 5+ years, it’s hard to not LOSE money”, and “what if you move?” or “What if you get married?”   What if, what if….   Yeah, well, WHAT IF I DON’T??  I’ve been outta school for 8 years now.  Will I still be single, doing this same job, renting the same house, living in this same rut in 8 more years?   Only thing different at that point will be that Shelby will no longer be with me…..  doesn’t that picture sound grand?

Ok, so if I don’t buy a home…..  what can I do to to feel like I’m doing something, or accomplishing something, or getting closer to the life that I hoped for?  (Does that even exist?  Maybe it’s just not “in the cards” for me?)  I’m considering maybe going back to school.  Should I move?  Should I look for a new job?   

I thought about buying a fish or a bunny, but my luck, Shelby will eat the bunny and I’ll have to clean the bloody mess….and what the hell will a fish or bunny do for my discontentedness….other than give me something to be interested in for a little bit.  No thanks.   Seriously, I don’t know what will make me happier.  I just feel so overwhelmingly insignificant lately.  What the hell is my purpose?  Am I just marking time? 

I’m the world’s best at taking Bible Study classes and trying to put myself in good places, and do good things in an effort to make myself better, and more likely to find the life I had hoped for.  I must still be missing something.  I don’t want to wake up in 10 more years and go “I wish I had appreciated my life more…..”  but I honestly don’t know what to do to make the present time more enjoyable.    I’m working on the answer.  I wish there was something to gimme a little encouragement, or a little hope that I AM moving toward my goals and aspirations and that this is not just a ginormous waste of a decade and I’ll wake up at the end wishing I had jumped tracks and done something else.  Don’t even know where to jump if I decided to do so!

Really anxious.  I know God hasn’t forgotten me, but it sure seems all the people around me have managed to obtain a life real similar to what I thought mine would look like at 32.  What am I doing wrong that others seem to have figured out?  I miss the feeling I had when I was younger that something good and exciting was in front of me, and I had reason to be hopeful.   I’m sitting here at almost 32 wrestling with the reality that…..um, maybe not???

DISGUSTED.....AGAIN....

I'm really going to try not to blog about this every day..... but damn!   I'm sitting at my desk trying to suppress the gag reflex that I have every time I hear the guy across the aisle sniffing snot up his nose, and ultimately down his throat.   (yeah, it's gross to read.....try listening to it!!!)

We just changed seats in this lovely building and now, when I'm sitting at my desk, this is what I see....(other than my computer monitor)..... Allow me to introduce you to the Snot Sniffer.  (Never thought I'd say this, but I kinda miss Ramona the Roach compared to this)....

No lie, we are directly in each other's line of sight if we look outside of our cubes.  Creepy!  I'm contemplating getting a lamp or something to block the view.  This pic is taken from my seat where I do my work all day, every day.   Dont be jealous.

He just called an apple store to ask if they had any iPad 2's in stock.  NO, NO, CALL YOUR PHARMACY AND ASK IF THEY HAVE ANY DECONGESTANTS.....REALLY.

I wish there was a way I could sneak one into his drink at lunch.  It always seems to be the end of the day that causes him to need to start making me gag.  Maybe it will continue to destroy my appetite and it will help with the weight loss contest.  Maybe??

Praise You In This Storm

There is sadness all around me right now.   I mean real, heart-breaking pain and anguish.  These are the times that it's confusing to be a Christian b/c my earthly mind wants the Lord to reach down, and eliminate the pain or at least give me a straight answer about why good people that love Him, and follow Him are in such trying times.   I cant get an answer that my human mind will be able to understand....I know that......nor does the God of the Universe owe me an answer......I know that as well.     I also know that God's Word (the Bible) is FULL of good people, that loved Him and followed Him and went through some horrific times.   Most of them still managed to praise Him, believe Him, and hope in Him during those times.  I know that wanting an answer is selfish, and my faith knows that there is not a reason I will ever understand.....but I still wish for one.

This weekend, I went to Austin to be with my grandmother who had surgery and to be with my family during a particularly difficult time.   I cant describe the burden and the worry that I feel when I see the people that mean more to me than anything hurting in such an incredible way.  I want to be able to just fix it....to say something, do something, or make something happen that will just take their pain and dissolve it.  Of course I am not able to do that....so I find myself just hurting right alongside them.  I wish there was a way that I could have asked God to give me the sadness, and give me the painful situation and spared my loved one. 

I cant stop tearing up each time I think about my family member who is experiencing so much pain.  She quoted the Casting Crowns song called "Praise You In This Storm".  I honestly am floored and honored to even KNOW someone with a faith this solid and this strong.  I didn't....even once....hear her ask "why me", or doubt that the Lord was right there with her, or that He was still who He says He is....no matter what we are going through. I AM SO PROUD OF HER.  I am praying to become this type of a believer, and have determined that I have a long way to go.

Saturday night I went to dinner with both of my sisters.  It was just the three of us, and it was a much needed night together.   I get so unbelievably emotional about my sisters, and my relationship with them.  It's beyond anything that I could describe to anyone....so we just have to say we are "really close".  Somehow, I feel like that doesn't even scratch the surface in describing what these two girls mean to me. 

**Warning....this is about to get very sappy & emotional...you know I just get like this....I cant help it...your choice to keep reading or not**

Our parents have done a lot of things for us and worked really hard to provide for us and teach us.  Out of all that they did, I am most grateful for the relationship with my sisters and that they instilled in us that we were to look out for each other, be kind to each other, and ultimately be life-long friends.  They succeed on all three accounts.  I am humbled, and truly moved by Kristi and Karin and the incredible people that they are and the bond we share. 

The three of us are an interesting mix of seemingly the EXACT SAME people, but POLAR OPPOSITE people at the same time.  The dynamic between the three personalities is just cool....for the most part, we just "get" each other.  We share inside jokes that make us laugh until we pee our pants that NO ONE ELSE IN THE WORLD would understand or find funny.  I love, love, love that I can be honest with them about my thoughts, my actions, and my situations and know that even if they don't agree they will accept me, support me and love me no matter what.   I have been blessed beyond anything that I deserve and I know it, and I'm forever grateful.

Rascal Flatts has a song out right now called "I Wont Let Go".   Originally, when I heard the song, it reminded me of the sister that also loves Rascal Flatts and goes to see them in concert with me every year.  However, the words are just too perfect....and it actually reminds me of BOTH sisters....which is somewhat unfortunate b/c the other sister HATES Rascal Flatts.  (she needs to just imagine Casting Crowns singing it instead...ahhhh, better, huh?)  :-)   Check out the lyrics. 

It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It’s breaks your will
It feels like that

You think your lost
But you're not lost on your own
You're not alone

Chorus:
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
If you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

(chorus)

And I won't let you fall
Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I wont let you down
It wont get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it

(chorus)

Isn't that awesome???  I KNOW!!!  It still doesn't fully describe it.... but it's a good attempt.    I love these girls more than life itself and always will.  My cup overflows!

Psalm 34:18  The LORD is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. 

DISGUSTING. SERIOUSLY.

Cubicle farms.... they're just gross.  I mean, really.... I spend 9 hours a day in this building (that used to be a warehouse) that has since become the supply chain management building....and it's just nasty.  Our floor is a orange/brown vomit-color (I tried to match it to the color of this font) and everything else (walls, columns, cubice dividers) is tan and superbly ugly, drab and depressing. 

The concept of cramming multiple adults into the same tiny cubicle is really just gross to me.  You hear things, see things, smell things, etc that are just plain disgusting.  Today, right now, I have heard the SAME MAN SNORT SNOT ALL FLIPPIN' DAY LONG. 

MAY I SUGGEST A DECONGESTANT, SIR???  SERIOUSLY.   What part of that do you feel is professional, or appropriate?? 

I'm NOT exaggerating.  It makes me gag.   Oh, God...there is goes again.  I gotta get out of here.  I totally "get" the people that just reach a breaking point and go postal.   I totally do. 

GRACE CARD

“I promise to pray for you every day, ask your forgiveness, grant you the same, and be your friend always”.   GRACE CARD

I saw the movie “Grace Card” yesterday and totally, totally enjoyed it.   The message was outstanding, and it made me really wish that more movies left the viewers with such hope and encouragement.  Yes, this was a Christian flick (like Fireproof) and although the acting is not that great, the message more than made up for it.

This movie is one that will not get a lot of promotion, or credit, or praise, but it is worth the time and the money to take it in.  I highly recommend looking up this flick at a theater near you.  Check out www.flixster.com.  Type in the name of the movie, and when it comes up, select “get showtimes”…enter your zip code, and voila…..it gives a list of theaters in your area that are showing the movie.  (hmmm, it does not appear to be ANYWHERE in the Austin area….guess you will have to head to DFW to see it)

Anyway…. I loved it.  Now go to the movie.

UPDATE -- BIGGEST LOSER WEIGHT LOSS CHALLENGE

OK, so maybe I’m not such a good blogger.  It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything.  I have kinda been in a funk lately, and really haven’t felt like I had anything worth discussing with my 3.5 readers.  (awww, but I love each one of you BUNCHES)….  But here I go….I’m back….and I do have an update for yall.

So, remember the weight loss challenge that Caleb and I are participating in?  WELLLL…. The mid-point weigh in was this week, and we had VERY GOOD results.   Caleb is winning the most lbs lost category…. He is down 15lbs!!!!  I am also super duper exited to say that I am tied with another girl in 2^nd place with 11lbs lost.  WOW!  Look at us!  I’m not going to lie though…. The competitive side of me feels a little grumpy about the fact that Caleb might actually win this thing.  Don’t get me wrong…I’m thrilled for him….and proud of him.  The painful part about this is that if he wasn’t in the contest, I would be tied for 1^ST place….and he wouldn’t even be in this challenge if it weren’t for my work group….but I’ve included him and now he’s gonna win the whole damn thing.  REALLY?

Ok, Christian friends, let me go ahead and acknowledge that I REALIZE my feelings of jealousy about this are not healthy, are not kind, and are not Christ-like in any way.  Considering the fact that I love this guy (Caleb, not Jesus, although I love him too) I should be his #1 supporter…..and I am…..but there’s a slight tinge of envy that seems to be *temporarily* overshadowing my heart.   Ooooh, nothing like confessing and repenting.  Lol.  Seriously, don’t judge me….I’m not a bad person, but I am struggling with not leading the effort and with knowing that the money is likely not going to me. (in my whiniest possible voice….  “but I WANTED THAT MONEEEEEEYYYYYY”).  Ok, enough of my pity party.

Seriously, we are both doing well….and have had good results.  The money is a nice reward, but shouldn’t be my focus…..so I’m going to work to not get lax and decide to “screw it” and go make a big bowl of frozen yogurt with all the fun toppings.  (can you tell that has been on my mind lately??) 

I think most of my success has been in the Weight Watcher Soup recipes.  They’re easy, low calorie, and I can make double batches to cover my lunches too.  Especially during the ice days, the soup was my staple….and a good plan apparently.  I think it also proved to be a good idea for us to look up nutritional information on the places that we went out to eat so we could make better decisions there too.   Being disciplined about tracking our calories and nutrition has been a crucial part of the weight loss too.  It’s pretty eye-opening to know what you’ve actually consumed in a day. 

If I could really get in control of stress/emotional eating, I’d be back to “high school skinny” but I’m not sure I’m capable of that.  Hell, if I could get in control of my emotions at all my struggles would be remedied or improved!!  Let’s not get crazy though people.  One thing at a time….right now, we’re tackling calories….. maybe some other time we will attempt the miracle of controlling the constant flood of emotions taking place within me at any given moment.  Let’s not get excited…. 

Love you guys….thanks for checking in.  Please keep praying!  I still have a ways to go if I’m going to hit the 30lbs lost by July…… gonna have to kick it up a notch!  Vrrrrooooommmmm!!!